Losing My Best Friend

How do you cope when the man that you married no longer exists. The man that you used to laugh with, play with, have fun with is no longer. I have been thinking a lot about this lately. When I married my husband, he was going to be a pastor and I was going to be a pastor's wife. He knew his Bible better than anyone I had ever known. He would read it for hours and hours on end, sometimes too much (the bi-polar going to extremes) but he wanted to know his Bible inside and out. Now today, he no longer believes the Bible and believes that it was made up by rich, white men trying to control the masses. He believes that all religion, including Christianity is the same. That he somehow has the inside track on who God is and the rest of us are doomed to hell, if there is a hell. Maybe none of this is real, at least that is what he has been saying, I can not share my thoughts with him, my dreams with him, my life with him, when my relationship with Christ is so much apart of every aspect of my life. What do I tell others when they ask about him? How can I tell them that he has turned his back on Jesus, his Lord and Savior. Even today, as a friend introduced me to her pastor, she said, "Her husband is a pastor too, he leads a Bible Study." I just wanted to die. I had everything that I had ever wanted in a husband and now I am left with grieving for what I have lost.
But what if this is just another manifestation of his bi-polar disease? What if he cycles out of this? You see why I have to be so careful who I talk to, who would understand what it is like to be married to someone with bi-polar? In the meantime he looks for every opportunity to argue, disagree and fight with me. He loves to pick fights about everything I say, think or believe. I try to be silent, not to say a word, but that is difficult.
I would love to hear from others who are going through or who have gone through this same thing. What did you do? What would you do?

At the end of my rope

Well he has been off his medicine now for a few days and I don't know how much more I can take. Having him call me names, telling me how stupid I am are just some of the lovely things I live with. I want so much to find out who I am married to but don't know if I can stay around until that happens, if it ever will happen. Is the man that told me he loved me as he was walking out the door today my husband or is the one that just called me "fat ass" I don't even know. Confusion, hurt, anger all swirl around in my head and my heart to where I don't know what to think or feel. I just want a normal life, normal marriage, is that too much to ask for? Sometimes I ask why, did I do something so bad in my life that this is somehow my punishment? I cry out to God, but He seems so far away, is He listening, does He care? I just don't know. Who do I talk to? Who do you let in and let them know all the horrible things that you have to live with on a day to day basis? The egg shells are too hard to walk on, I can't keep this up. Either the relationship breaks or I break, I'm not sure which it will be. I just pray for peace, love, quiet, to be able to lay my head down on my pillow at night without fighting, to be able to watch a movie without all the negativism. Sometimes I feel all alone in the world, if anyone is out there, if anyone reads this, if anyone is listening please let me know that I am not alone.

How much more

Had a wonderful time at the Beth Moore conference this weekend. It was what I needed. As we learned this weekend the phrase "How much more?" Can take on so many many meanings, both good and bad. So often I have asked myself "How much more can I take?" "How much more do I have to do?" and "How much more is left of my marriage?" But this weekend we turned it around to "How much more is there to ardent prayer?", "How much more could this day really bring?", "How much more could forgiveness heal my soul?", "How much more could I have if I let go?", "How much more could be won from this war?", How much more is my heavenly Father than my friend?", and finally "How much more does my father have in store for me?'.
What I hope to apply to my life is "How much more could this day really bring as I live in the present and not in the past or in the future. I can not worry about what may happen, will my husband leave me, for today he is my husband and for that I will give thanks. Tomorrow is in God's hands. And then How much more could I have if I let go? I must let go of my desire to save this marriage at all costs. I must give both my husband and this marriage to God, and trust Him to do what is best for me. I must trust His love, grace and mercy. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, and it still hurts to think about so I am asking God to fill me with His Spirit in ways that will take away the hurt, the sickness I feel inside. Either I take God at His word or I don't, but living where I am now, in the state that I am now is not working, for I have no control over my husband and what he will do. I must choose everyday, every moment to give this to my Abba Father in heaven. Please pray for quest to give this to God and for His filling.

Is it real or is it Memorex

I am reminded of this commercial often as I sit and ponder if a behavior is part of the bi-polar disorder or just a personality thing. I don't really know how to separate the two. My once committed Christian husband, now denies that Jesus ever existed, even as a historical figure. He is now convinced that Christianity and all religions for that matter is a ploy to subdue the masses. Christianity was a way for the "white, upper-class, European" to rule over the everyday people. It is a way to get their money and get them to do whatever they are told. This is a man who just a few short weeks ago, would be the first to witness to anyone. I was amazed by how he could talk to complete strangers about Jesus. How he could quote the Bible better than anyone I have ever known. And now this complete turn around. But was all the talk about the Bible and Jesus just another expression of a manic episode and now is this just part of a paranoia that I have read that is common with bi-polar disorder. It is so hard to even know who my real husband is, who I married and who he will be in the future. How do you know who you love, if you don't even know who you are married to? I have no idea from day to day, who I will wake up next to and who I will go to sleep with at night. These two people can be two completely different people. I would love to hear from others about there experiences.

Happy 4th of July

There was a time in my life when I looked forward to holidays, any holidays. Now things have changed so much that I just look forward to sleep. Never knowing what state my husband is going to be in, not knowing if he will start with "I had so much potential with my life" or will it be some paranoid thought that makes no since, I just never know. I try to ignore it, but he is never satisfied with that, now he wants to engage me in conversations that there is no way to win. Conversations that will lead to a fight, tears, yelling. I know that he can not help it, and I try to separate him from the disorder but it is hard. This is a guy that goes to extremes and I never seem to be on the right side of that extreme. One time it will be health and exercise but when I go to buy him something healthy he'll blow up and say that is not what he wants. Then maybe it is God, and he'll go to church several times a week, talk about God, read his Bible to the exclusion of everything else and now he tells me that the Bible is all made up. Not only is that Bible just made up stories, but it was made up by white people to be able to dominate over the under-privileged, minorities and unintelligent. It is a way for pastors to be able to convince their church to give more money to support them to be able to drive around in fancy cars and live in fancy houses. I don't know, I don't get him at all. This is a guy that knows his Bible, actually became and ordained minister and now believes in God but not the Bible or Jesus or anything like that.

How much More

How much can I take. Is it so wrong to just want some stability in my life, and not have to wait until the day he walks out. Maybe that day will never come, but the threat looms over my head and heart like a dark cloud, just waiting until the day the rain starts pouring down on me and never stops. Some days I wish he would stop threatening and just leave, I think waiting for the day he leaves is worse then when he actually leaves. But then again I love that man and do not want him to leave. Why can't he be committed to me, to this marriage and say that no matter what we are in this together. I can say that, even with all that I put up with on a day to day basis. And yet it is not in him to say, this disease, disorder whatever it is keeps him prisoner and won't let him go. I pray day and night for him and feel like my prayers fall on deaf ears for this is no change. Only God can help me, help us, but will He? Is He listening? Does He care? I am tired of replaying this same old tape, day in and day out. I try to be strong but feel so weak. Some days it would be easier to just curl up in a ball and never get out of bed. But I am fighting against time, nature, Satan, who knows, but I am fighting. But when does the rest come, when does the peace come, when can I stop? If anyone out there knows, please let me know.

Will he leave?

It seems like a regular occurrence, him telling me that he will leave. My only question is when? I pray each time that he won't but each day I worry that he will. And if he does leave, what will his life be like. Will he be OK? Or will he be on the streets somewhere? Will he take his medication or will he just stop? He has no idea how much he worries me with all this talk of leaving. I know he has great plans but has he really thought it all out? And what about me, what do I say to him or do I just let him leave? What if something does happen to him, could I have stopped it or him? So many concerns and questions flood my mind. Is this something all bi-polar people go through? Is he all talk but no action? God help me to know what to do, help him to get better. It's hard not being able to discuss this with anyone, not wanting to betray him to friends and family who have no idea. But then will they blame me for not speaking up, for not reaching out for help when he obviously could not? I hope they know, I hope he knows how much I love him and how this is all new to me and I am just trying to figure it all out day by day, sometimes moment by moment.

Being Supportive

Being supportive? What does that really mean? If your spouse is bi-polar, how do you keep on supporting every idea that they come up with? How can you tell if it is just a manic phase or if this time maybe he really will do what he dreams. You want so much to see him succeed, because you know the potential that lies inside of him, but this stupid disease holds him back. Binds him like a chain that he can get rid of and because you are his wife, the chain binds you too. You know that sometimes you say things out of frustration that you shouldn't say, but you just want him to get better and start living. You get so angry, not at him but at the bi-polar that holds him captive. And then when he blames you, for holding him back, it is almost too much to bear. You know all that you put up with, and all that you do to protect him from himself and from others, but still you are an easy target for him to lash out at as he tries to make since of his life. It is hard for him to blame the disorder, that is not concrete enough for him to hang onto, so it is you that he has chosen as his scape goat. And even though it would be easy to walk away and let him see for himself all that you do for him, you stay because you love him. And only you can truly love him, because only you understand him.

To Med or not to Med

Today, like so often happens, my husband thinks about going off his meds. First he says that they are not helping, but I can tell they are, then he complains that they are killing him. He accuses me of trying to slowing kill him. I love this man, and I know he hates taking the medication, I don't blame him really, but don't know what to do. I know he is better on the meds, even if he doesn't see it. It scares me really that he may decide not to take his meds on his own and then we are back to square one. But because I love him so much, I will research natural alternatives, maybe there are other ways and then he can slowly wean off the meds, but not unless we find another way. I pray that we can find that way, I pray that he will hang in there. It is such a crap shoot trying to get him balanced and to keep him that way, and I know that this will be his life and for that matter my life forever. But I take it one day at a time, and today was a good day. May there just be more good days than bad days.

I watched Julie and Julia last night, or was it the other way around, which ever it inspired me to write more. Who knows someday, someone may just be interested in what I have to say. And if no one ever is interested, at least I have my thoughts. Today was a good day. Things are going well with my husband, he is on his medication and it seems to be helping, although we are tweaking it a bit to get the right dosage. Speaking of which, I forgot to go pick up his new prescription after I got off work. Well, better do that tomorrow. How do you live with someone who is bipolar? Well first and foremost you have to love the person 100 percent. And accept them just as they are. They are the only ones who can change themselves, you can not do it for them. But on top of love, you must and I repeat must be self confident, strong and able to keep going, even when you get no help or encouragement from the other person. See he can't encourage you because, he can't encourage himself. You will have to learn to act as if you are not married, while maintaining the marriage at all times. You will be the only thing holding the marriage together and that has to be ok with you. It is not easy, believe me, but it is possible. There are days and nights that I think that I can not go on, but I love my husband and know that beyond the disease, there is a wonderful person.