Losing My Best Friend

How do you cope when the man that you married no longer exists. The man that you used to laugh with, play with, have fun with is no longer. I have been thinking a lot about this lately. When I married my husband, he was going to be a pastor and I was going to be a pastor's wife. He knew his Bible better than anyone I had ever known. He would read it for hours and hours on end, sometimes too much (the bi-polar going to extremes) but he wanted to know his Bible inside and out. Now today, he no longer believes the Bible and believes that it was made up by rich, white men trying to control the masses. He believes that all religion, including Christianity is the same. That he somehow has the inside track on who God is and the rest of us are doomed to hell, if there is a hell. Maybe none of this is real, at least that is what he has been saying, I can not share my thoughts with him, my dreams with him, my life with him, when my relationship with Christ is so much apart of every aspect of my life. What do I tell others when they ask about him? How can I tell them that he has turned his back on Jesus, his Lord and Savior. Even today, as a friend introduced me to her pastor, she said, "Her husband is a pastor too, he leads a Bible Study." I just wanted to die. I had everything that I had ever wanted in a husband and now I am left with grieving for what I have lost.
But what if this is just another manifestation of his bi-polar disease? What if he cycles out of this? You see why I have to be so careful who I talk to, who would understand what it is like to be married to someone with bi-polar? In the meantime he looks for every opportunity to argue, disagree and fight with me. He loves to pick fights about everything I say, think or believe. I try to be silent, not to say a word, but that is difficult.
I would love to hear from others who are going through or who have gone through this same thing. What did you do? What would you do?

At the end of my rope

Well he has been off his medicine now for a few days and I don't know how much more I can take. Having him call me names, telling me how stupid I am are just some of the lovely things I live with. I want so much to find out who I am married to but don't know if I can stay around until that happens, if it ever will happen. Is the man that told me he loved me as he was walking out the door today my husband or is the one that just called me "fat ass" I don't even know. Confusion, hurt, anger all swirl around in my head and my heart to where I don't know what to think or feel. I just want a normal life, normal marriage, is that too much to ask for? Sometimes I ask why, did I do something so bad in my life that this is somehow my punishment? I cry out to God, but He seems so far away, is He listening, does He care? I just don't know. Who do I talk to? Who do you let in and let them know all the horrible things that you have to live with on a day to day basis? The egg shells are too hard to walk on, I can't keep this up. Either the relationship breaks or I break, I'm not sure which it will be. I just pray for peace, love, quiet, to be able to lay my head down on my pillow at night without fighting, to be able to watch a movie without all the negativism. Sometimes I feel all alone in the world, if anyone is out there, if anyone reads this, if anyone is listening please let me know that I am not alone.