Going Home

Where do you go, when you dread coming home.  Not really dread maybe, but once you get home, you wonder, how long will it take tonight.  How long before he starts in, how long before the first loud voice, how long before the first tear, how long before you are dragged down a path you never wanted to go?  Now I'm not saying that every night is like this, but maybe that's the problem, not knowing.  What will the night bring, not honey I'm glad your home, let's sit and talk, tell me about your day, anything that may be considered normal conversation.  No my night is what's wrong with the world, how corrupt the US Banking system is, then of course they takes us to the evil "Fake Jews" over in Israel and how anyone who supports them is supporting the Synagog of Satan.  Even when I try and ignore it, even when I try to leave the room, he keeps it up.  How Christians are mislead, and those that lead the churches are leading us straight to hell. 
And when he says something, that suckers me in to the conversation, then it begins. The personal attacks.  How long can a person be told they are evil and still go on the next day.  Sometimes, I just want to crawl into bed, put in earplugs and pull the covers over my head.  Most nights, instead of making my phone calls and working my business, kind of hard to do when you are crying, or afraid what he may say in the background, I plunge myself into the computer and pray for him to return to his room, to his computer to fill his head with more ammunition to throw at me tomorrow.  I pray that I am awake before he is, and out the door before he awakes, otherwise it starts first thing in the morning and then I am off to work in tears.

This is not meant to be a pity party, and it's not about getting someone on my side, this is because sometimes I need to say what is on my mind, and maybe just maybe someone might actually be able to tell me what I am doing wrong, or how I can change what I do, or whatever to make life a little more bearable.

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Losing My Best Friend

How do you cope when the man that you married no longer exists. The man that you used to laugh with, play with, have fun with is no longer. I have been thinking a lot about this lately. When I married my husband, he was going to be a pastor and I was going to be a pastor's wife. He knew his Bible better than anyone I had ever known. He would read it for hours and hours on end, sometimes too much (the bi-polar going to extremes) but he wanted to know his Bible inside and out. Now today, he no longer believes the Bible and believes that it was made up by rich, white men trying to control the masses. He believes that all religion, including Christianity is the same. That he somehow has the inside track on who God is and the rest of us are doomed to hell, if there is a hell. Maybe none of this is real, at least that is what he has been saying, I can not share my thoughts with him, my dreams with him, my life with him, when my relationship with Christ is so much apart of every aspect of my life. What do I tell others when they ask about him? How can I tell them that he has turned his back on Jesus, his Lord and Savior. Even today, as a friend introduced me to her pastor, she said, "Her husband is a pastor too, he leads a Bible Study." I just wanted to die. I had everything that I had ever wanted in a husband and now I am left with grieving for what I have lost.
But what if this is just another manifestation of his bi-polar disease? What if he cycles out of this? You see why I have to be so careful who I talk to, who would understand what it is like to be married to someone with bi-polar? In the meantime he looks for every opportunity to argue, disagree and fight with me. He loves to pick fights about everything I say, think or believe. I try to be silent, not to say a word, but that is difficult.
I would love to hear from others who are going through or who have gone through this same thing. What did you do? What would you do?

At the end of my rope

Well he has been off his medicine now for a few days and I don't know how much more I can take. Having him call me names, telling me how stupid I am are just some of the lovely things I live with. I want so much to find out who I am married to but don't know if I can stay around until that happens, if it ever will happen. Is the man that told me he loved me as he was walking out the door today my husband or is the one that just called me "fat ass" I don't even know. Confusion, hurt, anger all swirl around in my head and my heart to where I don't know what to think or feel. I just want a normal life, normal marriage, is that too much to ask for? Sometimes I ask why, did I do something so bad in my life that this is somehow my punishment? I cry out to God, but He seems so far away, is He listening, does He care? I just don't know. Who do I talk to? Who do you let in and let them know all the horrible things that you have to live with on a day to day basis? The egg shells are too hard to walk on, I can't keep this up. Either the relationship breaks or I break, I'm not sure which it will be. I just pray for peace, love, quiet, to be able to lay my head down on my pillow at night without fighting, to be able to watch a movie without all the negativism. Sometimes I feel all alone in the world, if anyone is out there, if anyone reads this, if anyone is listening please let me know that I am not alone.

How much more

Had a wonderful time at the Beth Moore conference this weekend. It was what I needed. As we learned this weekend the phrase "How much more?" Can take on so many many meanings, both good and bad. So often I have asked myself "How much more can I take?" "How much more do I have to do?" and "How much more is left of my marriage?" But this weekend we turned it around to "How much more is there to ardent prayer?", "How much more could this day really bring?", "How much more could forgiveness heal my soul?", "How much more could I have if I let go?", "How much more could be won from this war?", How much more is my heavenly Father than my friend?", and finally "How much more does my father have in store for me?'.
What I hope to apply to my life is "How much more could this day really bring as I live in the present and not in the past or in the future. I can not worry about what may happen, will my husband leave me, for today he is my husband and for that I will give thanks. Tomorrow is in God's hands. And then How much more could I have if I let go? I must let go of my desire to save this marriage at all costs. I must give both my husband and this marriage to God, and trust Him to do what is best for me. I must trust His love, grace and mercy. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, and it still hurts to think about so I am asking God to fill me with His Spirit in ways that will take away the hurt, the sickness I feel inside. Either I take God at His word or I don't, but living where I am now, in the state that I am now is not working, for I have no control over my husband and what he will do. I must choose everyday, every moment to give this to my Abba Father in heaven. Please pray for quest to give this to God and for His filling.

Is it real or is it Memorex

I am reminded of this commercial often as I sit and ponder if a behavior is part of the bi-polar disorder or just a personality thing. I don't really know how to separate the two. My once committed Christian husband, now denies that Jesus ever existed, even as a historical figure. He is now convinced that Christianity and all religions for that matter is a ploy to subdue the masses. Christianity was a way for the "white, upper-class, European" to rule over the everyday people. It is a way to get their money and get them to do whatever they are told. This is a man who just a few short weeks ago, would be the first to witness to anyone. I was amazed by how he could talk to complete strangers about Jesus. How he could quote the Bible better than anyone I have ever known. And now this complete turn around. But was all the talk about the Bible and Jesus just another expression of a manic episode and now is this just part of a paranoia that I have read that is common with bi-polar disorder. It is so hard to even know who my real husband is, who I married and who he will be in the future. How do you know who you love, if you don't even know who you are married to? I have no idea from day to day, who I will wake up next to and who I will go to sleep with at night. These two people can be two completely different people. I would love to hear from others about there experiences.

Happy 4th of July

There was a time in my life when I looked forward to holidays, any holidays. Now things have changed so much that I just look forward to sleep. Never knowing what state my husband is going to be in, not knowing if he will start with "I had so much potential with my life" or will it be some paranoid thought that makes no since, I just never know. I try to ignore it, but he is never satisfied with that, now he wants to engage me in conversations that there is no way to win. Conversations that will lead to a fight, tears, yelling. I know that he can not help it, and I try to separate him from the disorder but it is hard. This is a guy that goes to extremes and I never seem to be on the right side of that extreme. One time it will be health and exercise but when I go to buy him something healthy he'll blow up and say that is not what he wants. Then maybe it is God, and he'll go to church several times a week, talk about God, read his Bible to the exclusion of everything else and now he tells me that the Bible is all made up. Not only is that Bible just made up stories, but it was made up by white people to be able to dominate over the under-privileged, minorities and unintelligent. It is a way for pastors to be able to convince their church to give more money to support them to be able to drive around in fancy cars and live in fancy houses. I don't know, I don't get him at all. This is a guy that knows his Bible, actually became and ordained minister and now believes in God but not the Bible or Jesus or anything like that.