At the end of my rope

Well he has been off his medicine now for a few days and I don't know how much more I can take. Having him call me names, telling me how stupid I am are just some of the lovely things I live with. I want so much to find out who I am married to but don't know if I can stay around until that happens, if it ever will happen. Is the man that told me he loved me as he was walking out the door today my husband or is the one that just called me "fat ass" I don't even know. Confusion, hurt, anger all swirl around in my head and my heart to where I don't know what to think or feel. I just want a normal life, normal marriage, is that too much to ask for? Sometimes I ask why, did I do something so bad in my life that this is somehow my punishment? I cry out to God, but He seems so far away, is He listening, does He care? I just don't know. Who do I talk to? Who do you let in and let them know all the horrible things that you have to live with on a day to day basis? The egg shells are too hard to walk on, I can't keep this up. Either the relationship breaks or I break, I'm not sure which it will be. I just pray for peace, love, quiet, to be able to lay my head down on my pillow at night without fighting, to be able to watch a movie without all the negativism. Sometimes I feel all alone in the world, if anyone is out there, if anyone reads this, if anyone is listening please let me know that I am not alone.

Is it real or is it Memorex

I am reminded of this commercial often as I sit and ponder if a behavior is part of the bi-polar disorder or just a personality thing. I don't really know how to separate the two. My once committed Christian husband, now denies that Jesus ever existed, even as a historical figure. He is now convinced that Christianity and all religions for that matter is a ploy to subdue the masses. Christianity was a way for the "white, upper-class, European" to rule over the everyday people. It is a way to get their money and get them to do whatever they are told. This is a man who just a few short weeks ago, would be the first to witness to anyone. I was amazed by how he could talk to complete strangers about Jesus. How he could quote the Bible better than anyone I have ever known. And now this complete turn around. But was all the talk about the Bible and Jesus just another expression of a manic episode and now is this just part of a paranoia that I have read that is common with bi-polar disorder. It is so hard to even know who my real husband is, who I married and who he will be in the future. How do you know who you love, if you don't even know who you are married to? I have no idea from day to day, who I will wake up next to and who I will go to sleep with at night. These two people can be two completely different people. I would love to hear from others about there experiences.

How much More

How much can I take. Is it so wrong to just want some stability in my life, and not have to wait until the day he walks out. Maybe that day will never come, but the threat looms over my head and heart like a dark cloud, just waiting until the day the rain starts pouring down on me and never stops. Some days I wish he would stop threatening and just leave, I think waiting for the day he leaves is worse then when he actually leaves. But then again I love that man and do not want him to leave. Why can't he be committed to me, to this marriage and say that no matter what we are in this together. I can say that, even with all that I put up with on a day to day basis. And yet it is not in him to say, this disease, disorder whatever it is keeps him prisoner and won't let him go. I pray day and night for him and feel like my prayers fall on deaf ears for this is no change. Only God can help me, help us, but will He? Is He listening? Does He care? I am tired of replaying this same old tape, day in and day out. I try to be strong but feel so weak. Some days it would be easier to just curl up in a ball and never get out of bed. But I am fighting against time, nature, Satan, who knows, but I am fighting. But when does the rest come, when does the peace come, when can I stop? If anyone out there knows, please let me know.

Will he leave?

It seems like a regular occurrence, him telling me that he will leave. My only question is when? I pray each time that he won't but each day I worry that he will. And if he does leave, what will his life be like. Will he be OK? Or will he be on the streets somewhere? Will he take his medication or will he just stop? He has no idea how much he worries me with all this talk of leaving. I know he has great plans but has he really thought it all out? And what about me, what do I say to him or do I just let him leave? What if something does happen to him, could I have stopped it or him? So many concerns and questions flood my mind. Is this something all bi-polar people go through? Is he all talk but no action? God help me to know what to do, help him to get better. It's hard not being able to discuss this with anyone, not wanting to betray him to friends and family who have no idea. But then will they blame me for not speaking up, for not reaching out for help when he obviously could not? I hope they know, I hope he knows how much I love him and how this is all new to me and I am just trying to figure it all out day by day, sometimes moment by moment.

Being Supportive

Being supportive? What does that really mean? If your spouse is bi-polar, how do you keep on supporting every idea that they come up with? How can you tell if it is just a manic phase or if this time maybe he really will do what he dreams. You want so much to see him succeed, because you know the potential that lies inside of him, but this stupid disease holds him back. Binds him like a chain that he can get rid of and because you are his wife, the chain binds you too. You know that sometimes you say things out of frustration that you shouldn't say, but you just want him to get better and start living. You get so angry, not at him but at the bi-polar that holds him captive. And then when he blames you, for holding him back, it is almost too much to bear. You know all that you put up with, and all that you do to protect him from himself and from others, but still you are an easy target for him to lash out at as he tries to make since of his life. It is hard for him to blame the disorder, that is not concrete enough for him to hang onto, so it is you that he has chosen as his scape goat. And even though it would be easy to walk away and let him see for himself all that you do for him, you stay because you love him. And only you can truly love him, because only you understand him.

Another Night

Here I am waiting for my husband to come home and wondering what to expect. Will something set him off tonight, will he have another episode? I wait praying for God to bring home my loving, happy husband, but there is no way to be sure who will come home. No he has not been diagnosed with bi-polar or depression, of course he has never gone to the doctor either to see if there is any help available. But still something is going on. So I wonder and wait to see what tonight will bring. I write to have a place to put my thoughts, to be able to get some perspective in what is happening and to maybe be able to find ways to help him and protect myself. Yes I know that there are things that set him off, finances, not enough sleep, hunger, and of course my weight. I know if is up to me to take care of myself and lose weight, but how can I make the process faster? And then if I do lose the weight, what will be the new thing that sets him off. I know that it is hard for him also, he wants so much to be able to serve God in ministry and with these "episodes" that seems almost imposible. Of course I don't tell him that, I encourage him to pursue his calling. I pray for God's healing and intervention. All I want is my husband to be all that I know he can be, all that God created him to be. I love him very much and will be here for him always. God give me the strength and grace to do just that.